diet coke kills (a very short play)

Diet Coke Kills


Characters:

Zack
Jeff
Tom
Norman

Set:

A living room


(Lights up Zack sitting on couch watching television. Jeff enters.)

Zack

What are you doing home so early?

Jeff

What are you doing home at all?

Zack

Wigs on Fire fundraiser tonight. I needed to rest. I called in sick.

Jeff

You called in sick from your job to rest up for a party?

Zack

Priorities…I’m a host, girl!

Jeff

But Nedra!

Zack

Betsy!

Jeff

Don’t call me girl names!

Zack

You started it! Why are you home so early?

Jeff

To pack. I’m going hunting with my dad this week-end.

Zack

You’re not going to the fundraiser?

Jeff

Priorities.

Zack

But our special is black Russians; served out of a toilet. You’d rather kill Bambi?

Jeff

I’d rather kill something.

Zack

How does a vegan hunt?

Jeff

I go hunting to spend time with my dad. Not all gay men hate their fathers.

Zack

Blah blah blah. The girls are coming over to get ready. When are you leaving?

Jeff

Right now. My Dad’s waiting outside in the truck.

Zack

Where are you going?

Jeff (as he’s exiting to his room)

Out to the ranch in south Texas.

Zack

Oh. Ooo, look for some mushrooms while you’re out there.

(Doorbell rings. Zack answers door. Norman and Tom enter with full face, carrying bags full of drag.)

Zack

Jane! Marilyn! Did you ride the bus like that?

Norman

Yes. Why do you ask?

Zack

No reason. You guys doing a number tonight?

Norman

We’re not doing Jane and Marilyn this year. I’m sick of them. We’re going to be Diet coke girls.

Tom (to Zack)

Got any scotch girl?

Zack

(To Tom) Kitchen. (to Norman) Diet coke girls?

Tom

Got any ice girl?

Zack

(To Tom) Freezer. (to Norman) Diet coke girls? What the fuck is that?

Tom

Gotta joint girl?

Zack

Cigarette box.

Tom

Good girl.

Norman

You know, two girls dressed as giant diet coke cans. I’ve got inflatable costumes.

Tom (who has made himself a drink and joined the others)

Gotta light girl? (Zack lights Toms joint)

Zack

What kind of girls dress as cans?

Norman

We’ll have beehives!

Tom

Beehives girl!

Zack

Beehives?

Norman

Hair Mary!!

Zack

Oh!

(Jeff re-enters carrying lot’s of guns.)

Jeff

Ladies.

Tom

Hey stud! Gonna go kill some meat with daddy?

Jeff

How did you know?

Tom

We saw him in his big, butch truck outside. He tried his best to ignore us.

Jeff

Oh god.

Norman

You scared him girl. Waving your arms in the air and pulling your shirt up and shit.

Tom

I just wanted some acknowledgement of recognition.

Norman

Oh he recognizes you alright. You set his house on fire.

Tom

That was an accident. No charges were ever filed.

Jeff

Well thanks a lot. I should have a very pleasant drive to Del Rio now.

Tom

Do I get a kiss goodbye?

Jeff

Fuck you.

Zack

How many guns do you need?

Jeff

All of them.

Tom

All those guns. Karma karma karma girl. You’ll probably get shot in the ass with one of those guns.


(Jeff just glares at Tom; says see ya later to the others and exits.)

Norman

You really impressed him that time.

Tom

Oh fuck you Norman.

Zack

Why are you and Jeff always at each others throats?

Norman

Tom has a crush on Jeff.

Tom

Shut up Norman.

Norman

You shut up. Tom has a crush on Jeff and has occasionally stalked him.

Tom

Shut up Norman.

Zack

I had no idea.

Tom

Shut up Zack.

Norman

Oh it’s all so sad and sordid.

Tom

Shut Norman. I have never stalked him. I sometimes checked up on him is all.

Norman (singing)

Tom is a stalker. Tom is a stalker.

Tom

Fuck off Norman! Jeff and I have a special relationship.

Norman

Oh please!

Tom

Well we did.

Norman

You sucking his limp dick while he’s passed drunk out is not having a relationship.

Tom

Sucking dick is sucking dick.

Norman

Jeff doesn’t even remember it Tom. And he acts like you make him kind of sick.

Tom

He’s just shy. He doesn’t like to display his tender side.

(Zack howls with laughter.)

Norman

It is funny in a sad pathetic way. Like gay pentecostals.

Tom

I love you too darlings.

Zack

It’s all becoming so clear to me now.

Tom

Please. Nothing is ever clear. Are you really wearing that?

Norm

Yeah, are you really wearing that? We gotta fix you girl.


Lights out.




Lights up:

(Jeff sits in the living room drinking a beer with all his hunting stuff around him. The phone is ringing. During the following conversation with his mom, the mom should be under a special somewhere off to the side. But she should be seen.)


Jeff

Hello.

Mom (Lights up on Mom.)

Hi honey.

Jeff

Hi Mom.


Mom

Honey what happened?

Jeff

Dad saw Tom and Norman in make-up in front of the house. It looked like it was going to be a long weekend. We turned around in Sugarland. What did he say?

Mom

He didn’t say anything. He just stormed into the den and made himself a drink. He’s pouting in front of the television right now. Oh well, I just wondered what happened. I’m sorry your weekend was ruined.

Jeff

That’s okay. He’ll get over it and there’ll be other weekends.

Mom

Well okay. I just wanted to find out what was going on. I’ll let you go. I love you.

Jeff

I love you too Mom. Bye-bye.

Mom

Bye-bye.

(Lights out on Mom. Jeff starts to carry things into his room. Not the guns. The phone rings again. Show this guy too in the same place as Mom before.)

Jeff

Hello

Trick (Jovially)

Fuck you!!

Jeff (laughing)

Fuck you!!

Trick (louder)

Fuck you!!

Jeff (louder)

Fuck you!!

Trick (louder)

Fuck you!!

Jeff

What’s going on man?

Trick

Why don’t you come over and fuck me?

Jeff

Why don’t you come to Zacks party with me?

Trick

I’ve got an eight ball.

Jeff

I’ll be right there.

Exits.

Lights out.

Lights up.

(Zack enters and passes out on the couch. After a couple of moments the phone rings.)

Zack

Hello. Jeff, what’s up? Oh. Well, why didn’t you come to the party? Oh. Really? Who with? Oh. Really? Really? Oh really? Oh you slut! What? The guns? Yeah, they’re here. Hey, you’re not supposed to leave them out. You fucker. Okay. Where do they go? Sure. I’ll take care of it. No problem. See ya later.
(Zack hangs up the phone and starts to grab the guns when someone begins pounding frantically on the door. It’s Norman and Tom screaming from offstage, “Hurry, hurry let us in.” Or something like that.)

Zack (opening door and seeing the bloodied pair. Who are both freaked out, Tom crying, sobbing, hysterical.)


Oh my god! What happened? (He ushers them in)

Norman

We got bashed.

Zack

I’ll get some towels. Get him on the couch. Are you okay?

Norman

I think so. He took some pretty good licks though.

(Zack exits. Norman tries to comfort Tom. Zack returns with some towels, first aid kit, bottle of scotch. Starts to clean them up.)

Zack

What happened?

Tom (screams)

They tried to fucking kill us!

Zack

What? Who tried to kill you?

Norman

We picked up a couple of guys.

Tom

They were so cute!

Norman

They wanted to go to Bell Park for some reason.

Tom

We went for some reason.

Norman

They totally surprised us. And our costumes allowed almost no range of motion for self defense

Tom

Our wigs! Our wigs! Those fuckers took our wigs! Why did they take our wigs? (begins to cry anew)

Norman

The important thing is that we’re okay.

Tom

Fuck you Norman.

Zack

How did you get away?

Norman

They started laughing at the way we were screaming and slapping. They let go of us and we started running and then they started laughing so hard at the way we ran that we just got away.

Tom

They’re still out there Norman. They followed us a long way. They could be out there right now!

Zack

Oh my god! Do you think they followed you here?

Norman

I don’t know. But I ain’t going back out there.

Zack

Of course not! You guys can stay here. I’m calling the police!

Tom

No! No my god you can’t get the police over here!

Zack

Why

Tom

We’re drunk! And we’re on drugs! And we’re fags in make-up! They’ll just run us in and we’ll get beat up again.

Zack

Oh bullshit! You’re just being paranoid! You’ve been assaulted! You need to at least file a report.

Norman

He’s right Zack. It’s happened to us before.

Tom

Norman, what if they did follow us here? (sees guns) Is Jeff here?

Zack

He came and went. I was just about to put those away.

Tom (grabs a gun)

Let’s go get those fuckers!

Zack

Tom! Put it down!

Norman

Tom! Put the gun down!

Tom

Those fuckers deserve to die!

Norman

Tom put the fucking gun down!!

(The sound of Jeff and his trick can be heard outside screaming “fuck you” at each other like they did before over the phone)

Tom

It’s them!

Zack

No! It’s Jeff!

(Door opens. Jeff is in doorway. Tom shoots. )

Lights out

Lights up three to five beats later

Tom (standing over Jeff)

I fucking told you so!!

Zack

What?

Tom

I told him he’d probably get killed by one of his own guns.

Norman

Well girl, what you actually said was that he’d probably get shot in the ass with one of his own guns.

Tom

Fuck you Norman.

The End